Where Not To Take Photos of Chocolate

There are 32 nations competing in Qatar at the moment for the honour of being called “the people who can kick a ball about better than anyone else.” 

I suppose we all have our impressions of each of the countries that are participating, and I’m as guilty as anyone else of forming an opinion of something of which I know very little. But in one of my quieter moments I got to thinking about the competing nations that I actually have travelled to, and I’m surprised to see that there are eleven of them. 

So this is my informed, but not very serious opinion of each of those nations. 

NETHERLANDS – This was the first country I ever travelled to, as a fresh-faced innocent abroad, in 1975. I went over on the ferry, not sure what to expect. I’d been an avid fan of “Tales from Europe” on children’s TV, and imagined the continent to be populated by rosy-cheeked children in pigtails or lederhosen. There was no evidence of any of that stereotyping: but I soon discovered that was that this was a country that put mayonnaise on their chips. Mayonnaise! How exotic! I’ve been a fan ever since. 

Also on that first visit I visited my then girlfriend’s brother, who lived there at the time. He was a free spirit who grew the sort of plants that you’ll never see on Gardener’s World right there on his mantelpiece. 

On subsequent visits, I’ve been astonished and very moved by walking round Anne Frank’s house; somewhere everyone should see at least once in their lifetime. 

WALES – I’ve been to this lovely country several times now over the years. I’m very familiar with Tenby, and the multitude of long sandy beaches which never seem to get too busy. 

My favourite memory is one from a visit to a local pub, The Castle in Manorbier, just outside Tenby. My youngest lad, David and I wanted to watch the Crystal Palace game on TV, and the landlord was happy to agree. 

So I had a pint of Brains (it’s the name of a beer, not some kind of Blumenthal Offal dish) and David a coke, and we settled down in the empty bar to watch the first half relatively unscathed. But then, as if by some predetermined signal, the doors opened and several dozen burly Welsh rugby fans poured in, demanding to see the game between Wales and France on the other channel. 

To my astonishment, the landlord pointed to us cowering in a corner seat staring fixedly at the screen. 

“Sorry boys, you’ll have to wait,” he said. “These chaps were here half an hour ago when the bar was empty and they’ve got first dibs.” 

It was a little intimidating, watching the game while I could feel the glowers on my back. At the final whistle we got up to leave and everyone waved a cheery goodbye, probably glad to see the back of us. But I reckon that landlord deserves a medal. Or maybe he was a Palace fan too. 

FRANCE – I last went to France in 2009. Last time I was there we stayed in Argeles-sur-mer, and took the train to Collioure, a medieval port where had lunch by the harbour. I actually managed to have a conversation with the waiter in French. In my head, we discussed the setting, the food, the fact that we were having a lovely holiday, and the weather. He said my accent was good, which I remember fondly, although come to think of it he never actually said that he understood a word that I had uttered. But I sounded authentic, so that’s good enough for me. 

On previous visits, I sat with a sketchbook in medieval villages and passed the time trying to capture and image on paper. It was the last time I sketched anything, and thinking about it now I’d like to try it again. 

GERMANY – I had always had a hankering to see Germany but it wasn’t until 2018 that I finally got there. I went to Berlin with my brother and my uncle Peter, and although I only stayed for three days I loved the place. 

The national dish seems to be curry wurst, which is like a hot dog with a mild korma flavour. But don’t despair, the beer makes up for it. 

I found myself in trouble when I went to a supermarket and tried to take a photograph of a wall of chocolate bars, which has the same appeal for me as The Reichstag or Unter Den Linden. I was approached by an angry middle aged woman wearing the shop’s tabard, who waved a finger at me and growled “fotogriafe verboten!” I wanted to ask why, but then remembered that it would be another two years before I started learning German so I smiled and let her get on with her job. It is against the law in Germany to take photos in shops, so bear that in mind next time you’re in the Frankfurt branch of Tescos. 

I later found out that the apartment in which we stayed had been just 100 metres from a car park. Not any old car park though; this one was created on the site of Hitler’s Bunker where he did the world a favour in 1945 by shooting himself. There’s probably a Renault Espace or something now parked on the spot where his Thousand Year Reich ended after just twelve miserable years.

SPAIN – Out of all the countries on my list here, Spain is my favourite. Not the south east Spain of nightclubs, burger joints and and beaches, but the Spain of Medieval walled towns like Avila and the gothic splendour of places like Santiago de Compostela, where they do Spain properly. 

I have been twice, each time staying for a week to learn the language by having classroom lessons and then going out on visits to places where English isn’t spoken. I can get by in shops and restaurants, even proving to myself that if I go into a greengrocer’s to try out the language by buying peaches and cherries (without just pointing to them), I will actually come out of that shop with peaches and cherries. 

BELGIUM – Now I know I’ve been there but to be honest it was years ago and I can’t remember a lot about it. I docked at Ostend, I’m pretty sure about that. I’m sure I would’ve tried the chocolate. Really, I was only on my way to…

SWITZERLAND – …where I definitely DID try the chocolate. It was the first time I stayed in hotel in Europe and I recall being confused by the fact that they presented us with cheese for breakfast. 

I climbed Mount Rigi, enjoyed the mountain air and stood awestruck at the sight of the distant valleys in the sunshine, and the sound of cow bells. It sounds like a cliché but the whole place was so beautiful it took my breath away. I have every intention of seeing it again one day. 

By the way, when I say I climbed Mount Rigi, I did it the traditional way. On a train.

TUNISIA – I was there a year before the terrorist attack on Port El Kantaoui, so I probably won’t ever go back to Tunisia. But during my stay at a hotel there we spent most of the day around the pool, being “entertained” by a cockney family of three who collectively must’ve weighed 60 stone. Not that I’m one to talk about weight, and I’m not body-shaming here, I just want to paint a picture. I will however shame them for two things. 

Firstly, they spent hours in the pool, only swimming to the side to sip at their beers. The obvious question is, where did they go for a wee? The obvious answer is something I don’t want to think about. 

Secondly, and a much greater crime in my book, was that they were all Millwall supporters. Now you know why I didn’t challenge them about their presumably gargantuan bladders.

COSTA RICA – I always used to be a bit scared of Central America, with its gun-toting gangs, drugs barons and spiders the size of a small family saloon, all products of my over active imagination. But then I went there, and guess what? It’s beautiful, friendly and exciting. 

I say exciting, but no-one has mentioned that to the sloths who live there. I saw one in a tree in the wild, not in a zoo, and he looked like he hadn’t moved for days. Maybe that passes as excitement for a sloth. 

Costa Rica has no army. Imagine! And most of the country is dedicated to the preservation of its rain forest. I looked over the lip of a volcano, and somebody said that if you shout into the crater, all the steam that is rising from it will part at the sound of your voice. So I did. And it did. Go if you can. 

MEXICO – I used to go to Mexico City regularly as part of my work. I stayed at a place called the Hotel Bristol, which had one of those modern art pieces on the wall in the lobby, made up of four different almost symmetrically displayed coloured squares, three of which were perfectly aligned. The top left one whoever was slightly tilted to one side, spoiling the overall effect for this traditionalist. I mentioned it to the receptionist. 

“Oi, mate, that square’s a bit off. It’s bit irritating, innit?” 

“That, sir, was damaged as a result of the earthquake in 1985 which killed hundreds of people. It’s a memorial to them.” 

“I see. Jolly good. Carry on.” He continued to look at me. 

“I’ve got to go over there now,” I told him, pointing vaguely towards the corner of the room before slinking away and fighting my embarrassment. 

I also spent an evening in a bar where the food was terrific, as you would expect in Mexico. I went because there was a Beatles tribute act on, and they were pretty authentic. They had even copied the mop tops and grey suits with the black piping that the fab four were famous for. 

The belted their way through the standards, in scouse accents, and when everyone applauded they immediately reverted to Spanish. It was weird hearing “John Lennon” saying “Gracias” in a Liverpool accent. 

UNITED STATES – I remember arriving in Boston just four weeks after the 9/11 attacks. When our taxi driver found out where we had come from he gave us a free ride into town, telling us that the Band playing The Stars and Stripes outside Buckingham Palace had brought him to tears. I remember feeling the same way at the time. 

If you’re British, Americans always seem pleased to meet you. I know it’s wrong to generalise, but I love the Americans. They’re like your younger cousin who can be a bit over the top but you love them anyway. 

We managed to find ourselves in San Fransisco on July 4th. The previous day we had been to the golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz and Pier 39 and were chatting at breakfast in the hotel about the wonders of each of them. 

A girl approached and took our order, and we came over all British and apologised for her having to work on a public holiday. She shrugged her shoulders, told us she wasn’t patriotic anyway but would we like an extra breakfast as we hadn’t had ours there yesterday. Er, YES PLEASE!

So that’s my view of part of the world. Of course, out of the thirty one countries (not including England of course) I have twenty of them still to visit. Twenty one if you include Belgium as I kind of missed it the first time round.

Where’s my passport?