I’ll never be famous enough to be invited on to Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs. No, it’s no use protesting, we both know that Lauren Laverne is never going to ask me round to her gaff for tea, biscuits and a chat about being abandoned. It’s just never going to happen. I expect you’re as disappointed as me about that. But fear not! I’m recording them here for your enjoyment and, maybe, irritation. Depends on your musical tastes.

They’re not in any particular order, so don’t read anything in to that. If you’re still reading, here they are:

Starman – David Bowie.

Ah, David, David, David. He appeared on Ayesha Brough’s Lift Off in about 1972, wearing a multi coloured one piece catsuit and with his arm around Mick Ronson, the guitarist from his band, The Spiders From Mars. I was 15 years old and I’d never seen anything like it. I don’t think I read anything sexual into it, but I loved the idea of an alien “waiting in the sky.” I rushed out that very afternoon – or maybe a couple of weeks later – and exchanged my soft-earned pocket money for the album (Ziggy Stardust), which I’ve been playing on and off for the last 50 years. No, wait, that can’t be right.

*Checks Notes, pauses.*

Blimey. It is 50.

Take Me Bak ‘Ome – Slade.

There am I, now 16 years old, dressed up like a Christmas Tree according to a policeman at the door of the Dome in Brighton on account of having glitter in my hair. Did I care? No! As much as I’ve always had respect for the police, on this occasion they were wrong. I was dressed appropriately for the occasion, which was my first ever live gig. And what a gig to start with! Glam Rock Kings Slade at the height of their powers, Noddy Holder in his mirrored Top Hat and voice like an air raid, Don banging away on the drums like a man possessed, Jim Lea in his red lurex suit and Dave with his platform boots and very silly fringe (or more accurately, his lack of it). But when the lights came up and they started with this song, I was awe-struck and my view of music changed forever. It’s now my ring tone.

Liar – Queen.

Whispering Bob Harris introduced me to this band after they appeared on his Old Grey Whistle test. They performed this track and, given my track record, I was of course immediately transfixed. I bought their eponymous first album within a few days and also booked tickets to see them in London (The Rainbow at Finsbury Park) a few weeks later, having persuaded some initially reluctant friends to come along too. My friend Dave said he’d think about it at first, and then knocked on my door a few days later to say that he was keen to come along too. He was a dead ringer for Rod Stewart in those days but he developed a life long love of Queen from this point on. The theatre, by the way, was not full. Queen hadn’t fully arrived as Rock Giants at that point and I’ll always be proud of the fact that I saw them before they became famous. I joined their fan club so early that my membership number was 74.

I’m not still in that fan club by the way.

If You Leave Me Now – Chicago.

In the carefree days of the mid 1970s, I used to go into town in the mornings to buy a record, then return in the evening to Diplocks, the pub where we trendy youngsters used to hang out on a Saturday night. There I would meet a group of friends, including my girlfriend of the time. I’d bought this song as a 7″ single that very afternoon, and unbeknown to me, so had she. Imagine how many signs we saw in this coincidence, impressionable teenagers as we were. I still love the song, chiefly because I’m an old softie, but also because it reminds me of lost love, long hot summers and happy Saturday nights in the den of iniquity that was Eastbourne’s nightlife in 1976.

Undertow – Genesis.

If my wife ever leaves me, it will be for Phil Collins. Or maybe nowadays it would be for his son, Nicholas, as he’s just as good as his Dad on the drums and is a lot younger! Anyway, the point is, she absolutely loves Genesis and over the last few years that we’ve been together, I’ve grown to love them too. (Although I won’t be leaving her for Tony Banks, however good a keyboard player he might be). This song is a cracker. It won’t get you up on the dance floor, but it’s very powerful and has a positive message without being schmaltzy or saccharine. It’s all about picking yourself up when you are down and remembering that, however you are feeling now, “Spring must strike again against the shield of Winter.” Genius.

When I Marry Mr Snow – from Carousel.

There are dozens of songs I could’ve included from Musicals as I love a good stage show, but I chose this one because it was from the first show I was ever in. I wandered in off the street and before I knew it I was in the Hexham Amateur Stage Society and playing the part of Mr Snow in Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Carousel. I remember waiting to go on, listening to the song start and my legs turning to blancmange. I had two steps up to the stage and seriously thought that I wasn’t going to be able to do it. But something kicked in and on I went, and it turned out to be the best decision I’d made in years. I’ve been in the Society for twelve years now, I’ve made so many friends and there is nothing to compare with the excitement of show week. Call me a luvvie if you will, I don’t care. And if you fancy giving it a go yourself, and you’re near Hexham, let me know!

Night Boat to Cairo – Madness.

I’m not the world’s best dancer. I am usually a little reluctant to get on the dance floor at parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs et al but this song will propel me from my chair like a greyhound out of a trap and you’d better watch out for my elbows! I love Madness for their music, their longevity and their sense of humour which comes through in songs such as this. I saw them at Newcastle just before Christmas and had a view of the mosh pit from an elevated position to one side. The whole crowd were jumping around in front of me where fezzes and kaftans jostled with pork pie hats and sunglasses. Madness are just great fun and will always make me smile. And of course, “dance.”

Vesperae sollennes de confessore: Laudate Dominum (Mozart) – Dame Kiri Tekanawa.

Well, you weren’t expecting that were you? I think the word is “eclectic” when describing these choices. But if you’re going to be stuck on a desert island you can’t just listen to the same type of song over and over. So here’s my classical offering. It’s a beautiful piece, no idea what its about but I never fail to have goosebumps when I listen to it. That voice! I may have first heard it in the film Amadeus, or maybe not. It’s one of those pieces that I think I’ve always known. I once went to the Schonbrunn Palace in Vienna (in another life) and stood in a room where the boy genius Mozart had played for Napoleon. I think everyone needs a little Mozart in their life. And I don’t mean one that you can keep on your mantelpiece.

So that’s it. I’ve already changed my mind about some of these songs – I’m already astonished to see that there’s nothing from the Beatles here – but I won’t change it for now. I can take a luxury item apparently, so I’ll have a telescope to look at the stars, thanks. Oh, and my book would probably be the Encyclopedia Britannica, which would keep me happily browsing for the rest of my days.

Anyway, must go, Lauren Laverene’s calling me.